By Stephanie Rosic
I have had some recent conversations with single ethnic families who have asked me to help them diversify their home. I found this so interesting and wonderful and so decided to blog about how to take steps to accomplish this. It’s not rocket science, but just something that I think single ethnic homes don’t often think about and it’s so easy to do.
The very first step you can take in diversifying your home is to change the images your children see every day. Let’s begin with your bookshelf! Often times we collect and read the same children’s books that we read as a child, or that are popular in mainstream today. The problem is, often times, the children and families in the pages of those books are majority white. Or, if you are Chinese, perhaps Chinese. You get the idea.
If you change the books on your child’s bookshelf, you change the images she sees everyday. Begin small – I’m not encouraging you to scrap your favorites or start over – but begin to notice the ‘majority’ of the art in your child’s books. Then, slowly over time add in books that display a diversity of people. In this way, your children are introduced to diversity day in and day out in the images they see.
There are so many books out there to choose from and so many places for resources. I encourage you to read reviews and find books that agree with you and your child’s interests.
I thought I would share a few that are mainstays in our house. Some involve the ethnicities of my children and others do not; they just add a more diverse view of the world. Here are a few that I quickly grabbed from my shelf this morning:
New Clothes for New Year’s Day by Hyun-Joo Bae
This is a beautiful book about celebrating the start of the Lunar New Year in Korea. At the end of the book there is a description of each piece of clothing she is given and the significance of being given new clothes on New Year’s Day. My kids pour over this gorgeous book and then dress themselves in the order the girl dresses herself.
Kimonos by Annelore Parot
A new favorite in our house is this book about Kokeshi dolls. It teaches some Japanese language while your child matches, discovers, and learns about Japanese culture. My middle daughter is rarely without this book!
The Story of Ruby Bridges by Robert Coles
We have been adding more and more books to our library that cover black history, although this one has been on our shelf for years as a mainstay for us. This book documents the true story of what Ruby Bridges encountered as a six-year-old girl ordered by a judge in 1960 to integrate into a white school. This is a phenomenal introduction and discussion tool to talk with your child about race and the history of race in America.
Bee-bim Bop! By Linda Sue Park
This book is always out somewhere on the floor in our house, promptly followed by a request for more Korean food! It features an adorable tale of shopping for ingredients, helping mama cook, and ultimately eating a traditional Korean meal with the family. At the end of the book is the recipe for Bee-bim Bop to be enjoyed by all.
Immi’s Gift by Karin Littlewood
I loved this book and purchased it recently because of the different cultures represented. It’s a sweet tale of two children exchanging different aspects of their culture without really knowing that they are sharing pieces of their lives. Beautiful to page through, it leaves my kids warm-hearted and appreciative of how other people live.
The Runaway Wok by Ying Chang Compestine
Reminiscent of my childhood favorite, Robin Hood, this is a tale of a magic wok that delivers treasure from the rich to the poor. This is a humorous and fantastic book that can easily lead to greater discussions with your child about socio-economics and the practice of being grateful.
Diversifying your bookshelf is an easy change and a great first step in diversifying your home! There are so many wonderful books out there. Please leave a comment with your favorite book and add to the resource list for the Blended family!
By Stephanie Rosic
Earlier this week I posted Part 1 of a fascinating interview with Rhonda Roorda, author of In Their Siblings’ Voices: White Non-Adopted Siblings Talk About Their Experiences Being Raised with Black and Biracial Brothers and Sisters. You can read Part 1 here. In this installment Rhonda shares more on the power of diversity for Blended families. Here is Part 2…
Much debated today Rhonda is the value of living in a racially diverse area for adoptive transracial families. Can you weigh in on that hot button issue?
Well, I am not going to tell Transracial Adoptive families that they must move into a racially diverse area. What I will say is that each family needs to find a long-term inclusive plan that honors each member’s wellbeing, personality and racial and ethnic heritage. If parents choose to live in a predominately white community, then they need to work extra, extra hard to bring diversity to their family striving beyond culture camps, eating at an ethnic restaurant or taking a trip into the city. The multi-tiered efforts need to be intense, intentional, and long term. That is why living in a racially diverse community is so beneficial for Transracial Adoptive families. A diverse environment provides access to people from a mosaic of backgrounds, thoughts, styles, and experiences. Through interactions with a diverse community we form a paradigm in which we learn to solve problems in a more creative and useful way. I know through my own experiences of living in a racially diverse community that when you build meaningful relationships with people from different backgrounds one step at a time, you actually push through stereotypes, find the heart of the person, and develop a confidence to navigate effectively in different worlds and arenas.
In your opinion, do you think that birth siblings would also benefit from living in a diverse area?
Yes! Being a blended family means that every member, every birth sibling, is a part of this lifelong journey. This is not an exercise about ensuring that the black/biracial adoptee gets a few cultural experiences. This is about a way of living where every member of the family truly becomes more blended. So it stands to reason that even though birth siblings or adoptive parents do not share the same skin tone or racial background with their brother or sister, son or daughter, they have been shaped and forever changed by this Transracial Adoptive experience. Birth siblings in my opinion must learn similar things that the Transracially Adoptive child must learn. They can benefit from the same arenas that their black/biracial brother and sister benefit from. Birth siblings should be nurtured to understand that as they go into their adulthood years they must continuously educate and advocate for persons of color and adoptees in the board room, on the basketball court, on the golf course, at one’s place of worship, in one’s family through marriage, and in society because in an ironic way they are advocating for themselves.
What was the number one thing you learned or that interested you most from interviewing whole families on transracial adoption?
I learned that we are members of extraordinary families. We have formed unique family units out of love and through this lifelong process are refined in ways that we could never imagine. It has taken and will continue to take courage, awareness, forgiveness, humility and inclusiveness within our family structures and among neighbors that do not look like us in order for us to walk this journey with integrity. It is because of the path that is being chartered by those illustrated in the Simon-Roorda trilogy on Transracial Adoption and many others – including your readers – that we can truly begin to value lives and be valued across boundaries, humble ourselves to others’ stories and raise our children so that they will gain the ever versatile tools that they need to thrive in society.
Another huge thanks to Rhonda for sharing her experience and expertise. If you are interested in adding the Simon-Roorda trilogy to your personal library, here are the links: In Their Own Voices, In Their Parents’ Voices, and In Their Siblings’ Voices.
By Stephanie Rosic
Last week I reviewed In Their Siblings’ Voices by Rita J. Simon and Rhonda M. Roorda which you can read here. This week Rhonda graciously agreed to be interviewed and I think you’ll find her insights invaluable to Blended Families. She talks openly about her own experience growing up in a Blended family, the importance of diversity, and how she came to write this third installment in this landmark trilogy. I conducted quite a lengthy interview and want to give Blended readers the most amount of mentorship from Rhonda I can, so I have split her interview into two parts. Here is Part 1…
Rhonda, welcome to Blended! Thank you for agreeing to be interviewed. Please tell us a little bit about yourself as an introduction and also some of what motivated you to write this trilogy.
It is my honor to spend time with the Blended family audience. I try to be available whenever I can to talk about Transracial Adoption—the joys, the challenges, the complexities, and the ongoing journey for those that are touched by this experience—through my eyes as an African American adult Transracial Adoptee and writer on this fascinating subject. I was adopted at the age of 2 in Rochester, New York in the early 1970’s. My adoptive parents, both, who were at the time recent graduates of a Christian liberal arts college in Grand Rapids, Michigan and civil rights advocates, had a heart for social justice and a conviction to contribute in their daily lives to a more racially and socio-economically just society. Given that consciousness, it was a natural progression for them to adopt a child from the U.S. foster care system.
According to my adoption records, I was described as having dark brown skin, kinky hair and a winsome smile. So when I was adopted into the Roorda family, which included my brother Chris (Duffy) who is one year older than me and my sister Jean, who is eight years my junior, our family became racially blended. Our parents, years before my sister was born, made the choice to leave their predominately white community in East Palmyra, New York and move to the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area which was racially and ethnically diverse. It was important to them that the entire family see and interact with people on a daily basis from different walks of life as a way to move beyond our comfort zones; and too, as a means to build relationships with other Transracial Adoptive families and people who supported us as a family.
The Christian values my parents instilled in their children within the walls of our home and in church became my compass. But perhaps the hidden gift in my childhood was the village of remarkable and diverse people including my godfamily that took an interest in me and my destiny and reinforced for me the message that: I am black. I am beautiful. I am somebody. I can achieve beyond measure. And that I am called to give back to others. This message has always been the cord that has brought meaning to my life … but in the process of struggling to understand what it means for me to be an African American and also a member of my white adoptive family, simultaneously living in a society that can be harsh and unaware when it comes to difference, I have felt at times like that cord was unraveling.
After defending my master’s thesis in Communication-Urban Studies at Michigan State University in 1996, I took the opportunity to canvass my life in stages and examine internally the emotional highs and lows in relation to my own Transracial Adoption journey. Even though the process was at points painful, lonely, and exhausting, what followed was the completion of a body of work authored by Dr. Rita J. Simon and myself and published by Columbia University Press (New York) that focuses on three unique and compelling perspectives in the ongoing discussion on Transracial Adoption. These books are entitled: In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories (2000); In Their Parents’ Voices: Reflections on Raising Transracial Adoptees (2007); and In Their Siblings’ Voices: Non-adopted Siblings Talk About Their Experiences Being Raised with Black and Biracial Brothers and Sisters (2009). The Simon-Roorda trilogy on Transracial Adoption highlights the traditional empirical research (1971-1991) conducted on this subject. This body of research argues that Transracial Adoption is good public policy for families and children. In fact the research shows that children of color raised in white homes have a healthy self-concept and adapt normally into their adoptive families. In contrast and in response to a spike in Transracial Adoption placements in the early 1970’s the National Association of Black Social Workers (NABSW) went on record to verbally denounce Transracial Adoptions of particularly black/biracial children. For them this was a form of cultural genocide. While the sentiment of the NABSW has toned down over the years, their belief remains strong that black and biracial children need to be connected to their racial and ethnic community, a safe place, where they have the opportunity to form a healthy sense of themselves as black people. In addition to documenting these two very opposing viewpoints, the Simon-Roorda trilogy features relevant, powerful, and honest interviews from young black and biracial adult Transracial Adoptees, their white adoptive parents and non-adopted siblings. The interviews shed light on the intricacies within the structure of Transracial Adoptive families and on the role race, identity, and adoption issues play within these families and in the broader society.
For this interview I want to focus on your third book, In Their Siblings Voices. As a personal aside, I read your book while navigating a difficult racial incident that happened to my oldest daughter. Your book motivated me to discuss and process the incident not only with my oldest daughter, but also with my middle daughter who is biological. In your book you call these birth children, the silent voice in an adoptive transracial family. Can you explain why?
Prior to working on In Their Siblings’ Voices, I had several speaking engagements at which I noticed white children/adolescents sitting in the front row. These were the same young souls that would ask me to autograph a book for one of their siblings or parents. One boy, who I would guess was 10 years old, asked me, “When are you going to write about our voices?” My mouth dropped. I as a Transracial Adoptee had not thought about how this Transracial Adoption phenomenon impacted my own brother and sister or other non-adopted siblings who had black and biracial, Asian or Native American brothers and sisters.
I call these non-adopted siblings the “silent voice” in the discussion on Transracial Adoption because their voices have seldom been included either in academia or in the public square. This group, as evidenced in In Their Siblings’ Voices, did not ask for or in most cases have a decision making vote in choosing a black or biracial brother or sister for their family. Rather, these individuals took this huge act at face value; and were forever changed when their families became blended. So after being inspired by that young boy, I thought it was vital that the voices of white non-adopted siblings in Transracial Adoptive families be heard and documented along with other important voices in this necessary and enduring dialogue. It is my conviction that every member of a Transracial Adoptive family, including birth siblings, needs to speak honestly within their families about this experience and know how each member is feeling throughout this lifelong journey. Transracial Adoption is a bold act and scholars, practitioners, families, and society are still learning about the complexities of this phenomenon and its consequences. But what we do know now is that with Transracial Adoption comes a wonderful and adventurous experience and also added responsibility for each family member around issues of race, adoption, identity, and justice.
I was shocked that the birth siblings in your book often had no idea that their brothers and sisters were suffering enduring racial slurs and incidences. Did that surprise you in writing the book? Why do you feel they were so ignorant of their siblings’ situation?
I am actually not surprised that many of the birth siblings had little idea of their brothers and sisters suffering from racial slurs and incidences. If you look at the traditional empirical studies and the Simon-Roorda literature on adoption you will notice that among Transracial Adoptive families there is a pattern established where many of these families have invested in a “color-blind” approach in how they choose to view the world and raise their children. This applies even for contemporary families adopting children across racial and cultural lines. Many of our families continue to live in predominately white communities. They attend primarily white places of worship and institutions of learning and have mostly white friends. So it naturally becomes acceptable not to “see color” or difference when it interestingly relates to the adopted child of color because that mindset requires no added work, knowledge or experience on the adopted child’s ethnic community or in addressing the very difficult subject of race in America. In the “color-blind” model there is no benefit for the parents or the additional family members to do the kind of work I am talking about. The “color-blind” model therefore numbs any curiosity or honest/rigorous discourse within the blended family structure on how race and adoption impact the adopted child, the birth sibling, and the parents on a daily basis.
I would contend that if children, adopted or non-adopted, do not get a green signal from their parents that it is okay for them to discuss issues of race and adoption at the dining room table or in the living room; and also if they do not think that that their parents are racially and culturally educated and prepared to handle these subjects, that their voices will be silent, concerns second guessed, and racial injustices and inequalities ignored. Certainly I am not implying that there are not Transracial Adoptive families that are progressive and are talking about race and adoption in their families or who are attending cultural activities like heritage camps or playgroups, advocating on behalf of adoptive families and children etcetera, but we have a ways to go. We must continue in the struggle to build equal, nurturing and sustainable relationships with members of our children’s ethnic communities; to create space in our families where we as adoptive parents, adopted individuals and non-adopted siblings can genuinely talk about race in an age appropriate way; and learn how to effectively address injustices and misguided expectations that can happen to us in society (or even in our families) simply because of the color of our skin.
The kind of rigorous work that I am talking about cannot be done in a vacuum, it cannot be done without reading about black history preferably by black authors or learning about the black experience; and it cannot be done without the participation of members in our adopted child’s ethnic community on a regular and engaged basis.
A huge thanks to Rhonda Roorda for her time and insight! Stop back by to read Part 2 with Rhonda later this week. If you are interested in adding the Simon-Roorda trilogy to your personal library, here are the links: In Their Own Voices, In Their Parents’ Voices, and In Their Siblings’ Voices.
By Stephanie Rosic
For some time I have admired Rhonda Roorda from afar as documented in this post. She speaks and writes in a way that is thoughtful and truthful and her honesty is refreshing. So it was with joy that I finally picked up and devoured her book In Their Siblings’ Voices. In Their Siblings’ Voices is Rita J. Simon’s and Rhonda Roorda’s final installment in their fascinating trilogy, preceded by In Their Own Voices and In Their Parents’ Voices. These books document first person accounts of belonging to a Blended family from every perspective available. In reading In Their Siblings’ Voices: White Non-Adopted Siblings Talk About Their Experiences Being Raised with Black and Biracial Brothers and Sisters, I was struck that for many of the siblings interviewed this was perhaps the first time they had ever been asked formally about their thoughts on transracial adoption. Roorda calls the birth siblings, or non-adopted white siblings of transracial adoptees, “the silent voice” for this reason. Not having chosen to have a multiracial family, but rather given one, many have never encountered the opportunity to speak about their feelings and opinions on growing up with black or biracial siblings. For that reason alone, I found the diversity of experiences and opinions fascinating. We as Blended families owe it to ourselves to read In Their Siblings’ Voices.
Simon and Roorda begin with the arguments for and against transracial adoption and do not hold back the historical punches. The relevance of the history of transracial adoption is key in understanding today’s perception and approval (or disapproval as it may be) within the non-white community. The authors did a great service in documenting both sides of the argument before they progressed into the siblings’ stories.
I have blogged recently about preparing my middle birth child to enter the same school with her older sister who is transracially adopted. For the first time she will have to answer questions about her family on her own two feet and with her own voice. I have been interested about what she has perceived over the years from her sister’s experience – hurdles and all. It was during this time, and also when my daughter was dealing with an in-school racial incident, that I begin to ask her questions about what she understands about race and how our family might be perceived from a stranger’s perspective. To my surprise she could articulate most of what I asked her, obviously in five year old language and perspective – but for the most part I realized that she by osmosis and family discussion has landed solidly on her feet ready for any of the questions I thought to ask.
But Roorda’s book pushed me further, especially during the aftermath of the school incident, to help her put language to what her sister was dealing with. To sort out how she, as a birth sibling, can respond appropriately to the situation. (I stress appropriately because my five year old struggled with anger toward the perpetrator and I think to some degree would have squared off for a fight if given the chance.) I was surprised that many of the birth siblings interviewed in the book had little to no understanding or knowledge of the difficulties faced racially for the adopted brothers and sisters of color. Motivated by that information, I was able to help my five-year-old process more adeptly, hoping to create within her an advocates heart. It was affirming to read that for most of the birth siblings interviewed in the book, they relay that they are comfortable in diverse situations and are advocates for people of color largely because they grew up in a family that was diverse.
As fascinating as the stories are to read, Blended families are helped by the triumphs and pitfalls of those who have gone before us. We must listen to these siblings’ voices, so well documented, and learn from them so we may do better with each of our children. We as Blended parents often spend so much time and energy preparing our transracially adopted children for life’s journey, let us not forget to process with and prepare our birth children on those same issues of race and ethnicity. May they be in the future much louder voices of advocacy and compassion than in the past.
If you would like to add In Their Siblings’ Voices to your personal library, click here.
By Stephanie Rosic
It has been a long few weeks in my house. And I’ve wondered if I would blog about what my family now refers to as the ‘incident’ because of all the hard and difficult emotions it reignites for me. But, many of you have asked and wondered how we navigated through this time, so because of that, and I feel I owe it to this space, I will write some of our experience as we navigate a difficult racial situation that occurred for my oldest daughter at school.
I don’t want to dwell or rehash what was said or how it was said but simply to tell you that my daughter was excluded from participating at school because of the color of her skin. A student from her grade told her she could not join in because she was black. And although my daughter has had a handful of discriminatory experiences, none quite landed the blow squarely like this one for several reasons. First, it was someone she thought of as a friend, second, it happened during ‘play’ at recess, and third, it happened in front of other classmates, which brought immediate feelings of shame and worthlessness.
All I heard when the front door opened and the little ones and I went to welcome her home, was sobbing. Uncontrollable sobbing that didn’t cease until much later in the evening. There was a lot of listening, hand holding, and processing in our family that night, and with her input, we came up with a plan to move forward and to take action. It was this action plan and what I have learned from dealing with the school and the child’s parents that I will blog about in future posts in order to aid you in navigating these waters for yourself when this happens to your child. And it will. I have a pessimistic heart I dare say, but this I am certain of, our children will encounter racist comments and we must prepare them either as the receiver of said comments, or the bystanders, to speak, to act, and to love in those moments. Take it from me, you can never over prepare your child.
My daughter attends an incredibly diverse school. We live in a diverse neighborhood. We have a diverse friend network. Some of you believe that fixes everything. It does not. These situations will arise anyway – but the benefits of diversity in school, community, and friends will be a balm to your family’s soul in such situations. There were heroes just when my daughter needed them. First, the boy who stepped up to the girl on the playground and firmly told her that what she said was ‘not okay.’ Second, an uncle who as a black man knows racism in a way I never will and could say ‘I know what that feels like’ at a time when I could only offer empathy and my arms. And third, for the girls in my daughter’s Sunday school class who learned of the incident and shared personal stories of dealing with racism, one after another, with my daughter, and how they cope and deal with the help of God, instilling in her a sense of hope and community.
I realize I am quite defensive as I write this. I think I’m tired of the ‘kids can be so mean’ or ‘kids are just kids’ comments or the vacant look from other parents when I’ve shared. I’m so very weary of parents who don’t or won’t discuss race with their kids because they think they are too young, or who have some delusional dream of their kids being colorblind. It doesn’t work, and I want them to do the hard work about race that we do in our home, thus creating a safer school and neighborhood environment for all children. I’m a dreamer, I know, but I am also a fighter, and it took most of my effort to not fight, but to be calm during this process, but that’s for another post.
So, at this moment my girl has been made stronger because of this, but more wary. She has had many advocates and heroes in the process that have instilled hope, yes, but she is more guarded than ever before. Is that good? Maybe. I’m not sure. We talk a lot these days about people earning our trust rather than giving it freely – perhaps that is how we have changed in the process. While there is hope, there is certainly more healing to be done.
By Stephanie Rosic
Congratulations Karen S.!
You have won “Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria” by Tatum.
Thank you to all of you who emailed and commented to celebrate Blended’s First Anniversary!
By Stephanie Rosic
Today I celebrate the one year anniversary of Blended. I am so grateful to all of my faithful readers who have been with me since the beginning of Blended and am honored that this blog has gained such a wide audience not only in the adoption world but also with multiracial families.
When I began last March I felt a need to represent our family and our experiences because they seemed to be ‘other.’ One year later I am encouraged and humbled by so many of you that greet me in my Inbox each morning or leave a comment on an article. Thank you.
As with any milestone, I decided that a present was in order this morning! And since I cannot give Blended an actual gift, who better to honor than one of you! Here is the skinny – peruse my book list for children and adults, choose one book that you would like to add to your library then leave me a comment with the name of the book and why you would like to read it. Comments close Monday, March 26th at midnight PST. One reader will be drawn at random and win a copy of the book they chose. I will announce the winner on Tuesday morning, March 27th. The winner will have 48 hours to respond to the announcement so check back on Tuesday to see if you won!
Thanks again faithful readers!
By Stephanie Rosic
A funny thing happened on St. Patrick’s Day. I realized with a jolt of happiness that my kids are comfortable in their individual ethnic identities. It was such a benign thing – sweet thing – funny thing that was happening for my girls that at first it didn’t register. But before that, let me digress.
As a Blended mom I often worry that I am not striking a balance of celebrating and encouraging each of my girls’ individual ethnic identities. If I celebrate one cultural holiday for my oldest child, did I celebrate a cultural holiday for my youngest? When I encourage the beauty found in my oldest daughter’s dark skin, did I encourage the beauty found in my youngest daughter’s light skin? Back and forth I go, often a ping pong of worry and wonder at whether my girls are growing to value themselves and their diverse heritage. Does this resonate with any of you?
But there I was at a St. Patrick’s Day Party and my girls were having a great time. They wore green, ate corned beef and cabbage (well maybe not the cabbage), and even prepared for the event by listening to some traditional Irish music. Smiles turned to giggles as I watched my youngest, who is Irish, turn to the guests one by one and say, “Kiss me I’m Irish.” My almost five year old was brazen! That’s when my oldest daughter decided to follow suit. She turned to the guests and said, “Kiss me someone’s Irish!”
At first everyone laughed hysterically as we witnessed this shameless pursuit of kisses from family members. It wasn’t until later that I realized that it wasn’t just a funny incident, but also an expression of acceptance on my daughter’s part. In a sense she was saying that take note, she isn’t Irish, but her family is and that is to be celebrated. In a similar way I can think back to recent events and realize that my youngest daughter is present and participating in her sister’s learning of Korean from her Korean friends. She may say things like, “I’m not Korean, but sissy is and that’s good.” When we eat Croatian food for dinner my oldest daughter will say things like, “I’m so glad there is Croatian in our family, because the food is so good!” Likewise my youngest daughter will listen with rapture to her sister’s recent Reggae find and compliment her on how she is wrapping her hair. They know who they are. They know who the other is and accept and celebrate one another.
Balance. So hard to find, and yet I realized in part due to St. Patrick that the balance is there and it shows up in places I may not expect – I just have to pay attention.
By Stephanie Rosic
About a year ago I stumbled upon the website for the film Adopted. Sadly, I had not heard of it before and was intrigued by the premise of the movie and the complexities of transracial adoption in Blended families that they sought to explore. Unfortunately though I could not get my hands on a copy of the movie to watch until last month. It was worth the wait.
I think every transracial Blended parent should see this film. Fair warning though, it is raw, emotional and difficult to watch. Two families are closely followed, one with a grown Korean adoptee, and another with an infant Chinese adoptee. They are from different ‘eras’ of adoption, and yet the issues are the same as these girls join white families and separate from birth country, birth culture, and birth language. I caught myself, through tears, on the edge of my chair, watching to see if the more recent adoptive family would understand the issues of their daughter more, would address her grief and separation on a deeper level, would seek to keep ethnic and cultural ties. The lessons for adoptive parents about race, identity and family abound.
Perhaps the most poignant lesson for me was when Jen, an adult Korean adoptee trying to talk with her family for the first time about her adoption and ethnicity, explained why she needed so much verbal affirmation from her family. She pointed out that physically – specifically visually – for the rest of her family including a white non-adopted brother, they only needed to look at one another to sense that they belonged. But for her, she lacked that visual affirmation of physical belonging because she looked different from her adoptive family – thus her deep need for verbal affirmation of love and belonging.
Personally I can look back and see this at work in my Blended family. Even though we openly talk about my daughter’s adoption, value her ethnic identity, and seek to honor her birthmother, she needs more verbal affirmation about belonging and value than her non-adopted siblings. Now I see that that must happen for her to acheive a greater sense of familial belonging. She can’t look into my blue eyes and see a reflection of her big beautiful brown eyes. She can’t look at her sister’s freckles and find a similar pattern on her own skin. She can’t look at her feet and see a mirroring structure in my husband’s flat feet. She can’t look from sister to brother and find physical affirmation of belonging – we must replace it verbally – and that’s healthy and value bringing.
I encourage you to watch Adopted with open eyes and an open mind. Gather your adoption support group and watch it together or sponsor a night for interested adoptive parents at an adoption agency. You may even find a copy at your local library as I did. Once you’ve seen the documentary, leave me a comment or email me your poignant lesson from the movie. I would love to hear how you were affected by the lives of these two brave adoptees.
To go directly to the Adopted movie page click here.
By Stephanie Rosic
Celebrate Adoption in Ohio is hosting Rhonda Roorda Saturday, February 4, 2012 in a workshop entitled “The Best of Transracial Adoption: The Long-Term and Inclusive Vision.” Ms. Roorda is an adult adoptee who has authored books on transracial adoption, including In Their Siblings’ Voices: White Non-Adopted Siblings Talk About Their Experiences Living with Black and Biracial Brothers and Sisters. And, as I cannot attend, I’m encouraging those of you in the greater Cincinnati area to go! It was in listening to the event promo, that I heard these words from Rhonda Roorda,
…white non-adopted siblings they feel at times that they weren’t prepared. While they didn’t ask for transracial adoption in many cases, they have none the less been shaped by it and they will have to take on a responsibility lifelong because they now have a sibling of color. And so they’re saying, ‘We aren’t prepared… we don’t know the language on how to defend our siblings and we love them.’
It reminded me that we as Blended families must prepare each of our children to not only know their own ethnic identity, but also give them language and understanding to talk about their sibling’s ethnic identity too. Its double duty for our kids.
I have been pondering this as I look into the very near future as my middle child enters kindergarten. Both of my girls will be at the same school for the first time and will have to undoubtedly face the “that can’t be your sister because you don’t look alike” comments and attitudes. They really have never been down this road to the extent that they will face it in the fall. We have had situations in public places in which strangers try to separate my oldest daughter from us and include her with an African-American family or Asian family; but those were strangers in isolated situations. We have also endured the new teacher/school situations in which others are surprised that I’m the mother as their faces try to hide how hard their brains are working to figure out how we possibly fit together. But the fall will be different – especially for my youngest daughter as she will have to explain on her own, perhaps for the first time, how her family fits together, who she is, who her sister is, and what defines our family. She will have to learn how to tell her story, which includes her sisters identity, in a way that is her own.
If you asked her now you would hear snippets of her story all jumbled together because of the normalcy of her family and the oddness of your question. The question itself would be weird – not her family. But that will soon be challenged as she enters school, and no I’m not a pessimist but a realist who has seen one child go down this road already. So, I must prepare her more and more for that day. I must give her the ‘language’ to defend herself, her sister, her family, in a way that is healthy and loving to both speaker and listener. Double duty here we come.
You can find more information about Celebrate Adoption including how to register for the Roorda event here.
By Stephanie Rosic
Last week I reviewed Sundee T. Frazier’s The Other Half of My Heart which you can read here. This week I connected with her and she graciously agreed to an interview. She answered questions about being multiracial in America, the impact of that personal identity on what she writes, and the origins of her multiracial characters. I should mention that you can find her other books, including her most recent children’s novel , listed on her website here. Perhaps most exciting is that Sundee sent me a signed copy of The Other Half of My Heart and I’m giving it away to a lucky reader! Just leave a comment below by January 24th and one winner will be drawn at random to receive Frazier’s The Other Half of My Heart! Now, onto the interview…
What made you decide to write about multiculturalism, and to write for children?
My husband and I were newly married, on a plane to somewhere, and he turned and asked, “If you could do anything, without regard to money, what would it be?” I replied immediately: “Be a children’s writer.” And that’s when I knew I had to do it. I find it a great honor to write for young people.
As for the subject matter I’ve chosen, it’s all come out of my personal experience. My African-American heritage is very important to me and I believe a part of my calling is to keep the history and contributions of Black people alive through the stories I write. But I also see the world through the eyes of a black-white, mixed-race person. I suppose I am multicultural by birth. As author Paule Marshall once said, “Once you see yourself truthfully depicted, you have a sense of your right to be in the world.” Another part of my calling is to let mixed-race kids or kids who are multicultural by birth or adoption or experience know that they have a right to be in the world, too.
What inspires your children’s books?
In the case of Brendan Buckley, it started with a family story and the question, “What if my white grandparents had not changed their minds about my parents’ interracial marriage and I had grown up not knowing them?” That’s how the idea of a biracial kid who doesn’t know his white grandpa and wants to know why came about.
For The Other Half of My Heart, a news story about mixed-race twins—one who looked more black and the other who looked more white—provided the initial idea for the novel, and it came from my editor, actually. I brought in a lot of my personal experience (including being in pageants as a teen) to develop the main character and plot. Some family history—this time from my black grandmother and her experience of being raised by her fair-skinned grandmother—influenced the story, as well.
Mostly, I aim to be honest with my readers—not to avoid uncomfortable subjects like race, because I know young people are thinking about these things and it serves them to read and talk about them.
What challenges do multiracial people face?
- To be able to accept themselves fully, regardless of whether they experience acceptance from others within the racial groups to which they belong
- To see themselves as whole people rather than as fragmented (part-this, part-that), and as somehow “less than” than others who have a single-race identity
- To construct and maintain a solid identity in a society that still doesn’t completely accept race mixing and doesn’t know what to do with people whose experiences, psyche, and internal and external realities result in them feeling more “multiracial” than anything else
Do multiracial people tend to identify with one race more than another? If so, how do they come to this conclusion?
I think people who assert a multiracial identity are inherently saying they identify with all their races to some extent. It’s important to recognize that peoples’ public and private identities may differ. Someone may announce he is one thing to the world, but internally feel like he is another. He may live a “monoracial” identity in public, but allow his multiethnic ways to show more with his family and close friends.
As for me, I truly identify with both because my experience is very bi-racial. When it comes to racial identity, our country’s paradigm is either/or, but I consider myself both/and. I was raised in a two-parent home where one parent was white and the other black. Both sides of my extended family came together often for family events, so I grew up seeing black and white people eating, laughing and celebrating together. I was exposed to both black and white cultural influences. I feel a stronger pull toward my black heritage and culture – because I’ve always felt very close to my extended black family, and because I am proud of how black people have overcome in our country and constructed a culture in the face of terrible persecution and oppression. Because black people had to work so hard to reconstruct an identity post-slavery, black culture is ironically easier to identify, while white culture, although ubiquitous, is harder to define specifically.
Regardless of whether I can identify the white cultural influences in my life, I know that at the very least I have benefited from white privilege because I have a white parent and because of how I look. This is another fact of my multiracial existence – I know what it feels like to be a minority as well as to be included as a part of the majority. Accepting this truth has helped me accept my biracial self.
What advice would you share with young writers, specifically ones with a multiracial background?
My best advice would probably be what Brendan’s dad says to him at one point in the first book: “Don’t let anyone tell you who you are, or what you can or can’t be.” You have stories that only you can tell; if you don’t tell them, they will never be told, so be brave and write (or draw or record or act or dance) them out. The world (and you) will be better because of it.
A huge thank you to Sundee for her candid answers! Don’t forget to leave a comment to be entered to win The Other Half of My Heart!
By Stephanie Rosic
I am always on the look out for books that my oldest daughter can read that involve multiracial protagonists and/or viewpoints that she can identify with from a Blended family perspective. They are hard to find, but not impossible. This past fall I discovered my new favorite book, involving all of the above. The Other Half of My Heart by Sundee T. Frazier is a joy to read. Narrated by Minnie, a twin who on the outside appears more white than her sister Keira who has more black features, it is a tale of self discovery and developing racial identity.
A recent school project brought the topic of being multiracial to the forefront. My daughter’s 3rd grade class was asked to share about their ethnicity. She came home excited about this as her Chinese friend was going to bring dumplings and talk about cuisine, her Syrian friend was bringing his Menorah, her Thai friend was bringing pad thai and talking about the history of the dish, etc. But when she sat down to talk with me about what she could share, she emphasized that she could only be ONE thing for the class project. It proved to be a difficult moment for my daughter as we talked through that she is NOT one ethnicity, but several and each is an equal and important part to who she is and her life story – she should never feel as though she has to choose who she is. In the end, we arrived at a good compromise for her sharing time, introducing herself as multiethnic, talking about what that meant to her, and then articulating that she is choosing to share only one piece of her ethnicity that day. In the end she was happy as she shared about being Jamaican and then taught them a brief history of Reggae (albeit her favorite part came when they rocked out to Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds).
This is why finding books like Frazier’s are so important to my child and to our family library. My daughter will resonate with Minnie who at times doesn’t ‘fit in’ to a certain ethnic look or role and so feels on the outside of that community. Key to her ethnic development is processing what it means to be multiracial – in its wholeness. Key to my other children, when they are old enough to read Frazier’s book, is the theme of a family looking different and those around them wondering if they truly belong together. For so many reasons, The Other Half of My Heart connects to a Blended family’s core issues and identities.
I wholeheartedly look forward to my oldest reading this and having a long cup of hot chocolate while we digest the issues Frazier brings to life though her writing. If you have a young girl heading into tween-hood, I absolutely recommend this read to you.
For those of you interested in adding this book to your personal library click here.
By Stephanie Rosic
Do you have a budding artist in your house? My oldest definitely is and its hard to keep her satisfied with art supplies. One of her biggest complaints is when she is rendering our family on paper. In her opinion, crayons and watercolors don’t quite accurately display the diversity of skin tones represented in our family. She needs lighter, she needs browner, she needs pink, she needs olive, she needs! In 2011 this was probably one of the most talked about issues in our home.
When I began my Christmas shopping I knew what I was on the hunt for, but didn’t know where to find what I wanted. I stumbled into a local art store, wandered toward the marker section and began my search. I discovered Copic markers, a high end professional marker, but there were just so many to choose from, I quickly became overwhelmed. Later I began my search online only to gratefully discover the Copic Manga set especially for skin tones! Hallelujah! My search was over.
Blended families rejoice! Now there are markers that can render your family in all its various skin tones accurately – but more importantly I no longer hear complaining from my eight year old. Here is her latest family portrait. Enjoy!
By Stephanie Rosic
I am often asked about Embryo Adoption (EA) and the addition of beautiful babes using EA to Blended families. I am no expert, so asked my friend Angela to write about her experience with EA and provide many of you with answers to your most common questions. I am honored that Angela would guest blog on Blended, but also offer such candid details about her wonderful experience with EA. Read on for her first guest installment on Blended.
Snowflakes. Embryos. Embryo Donation. Embryo Adoption (EA). Frozen Babies. Miracles Waiting. I never would have guessed these terms would be used to describe our latest adoption miracles. My husband and I became parents through foster adoption fifteen years ago. We were amazed and thrilled with three little ones who share the same birth mom. It was a wild, crazy and amazing ride! I wouldn’t trade it for the world. When they reached school age we started searching every adoption door to find our fourth child. We thought we were on the road to Ethiopia when an email from friends changed our lives forever.
This email explained that after their long IVF journey to have their three girls (including a set of twins), that they were now burdened by what to do with their seven remaining frozen embryos. An embryo is a fertilized egg that can be transferred into the mother’s womb or frozen to use at a later time. Most couples who go through IVF don’t know if any of the woman’s eggs will be successful in fertilizing with the man’s sperm. Then they are never guaranteed that any of these embryos will make it to “blast” stage (about 3-5 days old) or if, when transferred, any will result in a successful pregnancy. Thus, the higher number of remaining embryos. There are over 500,000 frozen embryos in our country alone. Our friends knew in their hearts that these embryos were little lives and chose not to donate them to science. They also knew if they chose to do nothing and not pay their “clinic fee” to keep them frozen, that their clinic could then decide to either discard them or donate them to science. Our friends had followed us through our adoption journey and were aware that we were searching for our next child. The email went on to ask if we would prayerfully consider adopting their seven frozen embryos.
No words can express how we felt. What an honor and privilege to be considered for such a gift! The gift of little lives! We were thrilled that we got to adopt again, and from the earliest possible moment in their lives! It didn’t matter how our next child joined our family, we would’ve searched the whole world over for our next treasure!
There are different paths to Embryo Adoption. Since legally it is still considered Embryo Donation, there are a couple of options. First, there are some great agencies that treat this as they would a traditional adoption with home studies, matching families, screening for both parties, open or closed adoptions, and complete legal support. A couple of well known ones are Nightlight.org: Snowflakes Frozen Embryo Adoption and Donation Program (http://www.nightlight.org/adoption-services/snowflakes-embryo/default.aspx), the National Embryo Donation Center – NEDC (http://www.embryodonation.org) and Bethany.org (http://www.bethany.org/main/embryo-services). There are some fertility clinics around the US that have donated embryos as well that are waiting. I personally know several women who have added little blessings because of doctors choosing not to destroy these embryos. In our situation we were already matched and the couple knew us very well, so we really only needed legal help. And we found sample legal contracts at Miracleswaiting.org (http://www.miracleswaiting.org). We discussed with our donor family what we wanted to add to the contract and after a conference call with our attorney the papers were drawn up. This also, altered the cost of our whole adoption. Including the first transfer, shipping, medical work up and legal it cost about $4,000+. Whereas, some of the agencies can start at $7,000.
Adding triplets to our family through EA gave us a great opportunity to explain to our older kids, then 9, 10 and 12, the miracle and value of life and the selfless gift of adoption. Not to mention that I got to experience pregnancy for the first time. And while we thought our foster adoption ride was wild, crazy and amazing, EA, which is all of those things, grew my family through three more little miracles.
By Stephanie Rosic
Happy New Year! While December took me by storm, I have now resolved (thank you 2012) to get back to a regular writing schedule (hello blog, I’ve missed you). I hope you greeted 2012 with new hopes, new resolve, and new energy, as I have.
And while December was busy I was thrilled to spend time with other Blended families and share the joys and struggles 2011 delivered. The new year always provides a great time for retrospection and understanding – thank you to those friends who help shape our family. Now, here’s to looking forward and leaning into what I hope will be an amazing 2012!
By Stephanie Rosic
I am happy to introduce you to my friend Kurt. He is an adoptive parent who chose transracial adoption. I invited him to share with us how and why he and his wife made the decision to adopt transracially. Read on for his first guest installment on Blended.
The high school where I grew up had a pool. The highlight there, of course, was the high dive. From the ground it was easy enough: a few steps up would bring the payoff of a fun jump. But once you were at the top everything seemed a lot scarier than it did from below!
My wife and I adopted our son, of Mexican-American heritage, as a newborn. Not unlike the high dive, deciding to adopt transracially was also both easy and hard. It was easy because:
- It gave us options. We knew that it increased our pool of matches, so we would likely be matched sooner.
- We are open-minded. We are interested in other cultures and have travelled, providing us with an openness to embrace our future child’s heritage and encourage him on his path.
- We live in a racially diverse area. We knew that our child would be able to make friends of his race and there would be chances to meet mentors who looked like him.
But we knew that not everything would be easy.
When standing at the edge of the high dive our knees start to knock because we begin to imagine a frightening conclusion to our jump: a belly flop. The same is true for adopting transracially. We have seen that there are significant areas of difficulty–and they aren’t going to go away.
Adopting transracially shapes your identity. Because he is my son, my identity is now wrapped up in his. Our lives are forever connected and entwined. This means, among other things, that his problems are my problems. Things I could ignore before I cannot any longer. The front lines of racism have moved from somewhere “out there” to my living room.
Like it or not, we now have a foot in another community. We have become advocates for our child’s racial or ethnic family. We must explain, dispel myths, and break down destructive attitudes–and convince even our extended family that their identity has changed. Because he is our son, no doubt, we’ll have some showdowns in the family.
For example, at a recent event a member of my family made an offhand, unintentional racist remark. The unspoken belief of this family member was that, “of course it’s ok to say this because [our son] will never fit that stereotype.” But comments can be racist even if they weren’t intended to be. Alarm bells went off for me and my wife. As much as we want to consider ourselves beyond racism, it is alive and well sitting on our living room sofa–even if subtle or unintentional.
We had to lovingly but boldly correct this family member’s attitude to not make our son the “one good one” of his race. It was scary to do so, but we had to. Our whole family’s identity has changed. Our family now includes our son’s race/ethnicity. It is no longer “them,” but it is forever going to be “us.”
Adopting transracially means personal displacement. To displace means to move something from its usual place or position. On some level our son has been displaced to be in our family. Therefore, there must be times where we will purposefully put ourselves in situations where we will be displaced. Usually this means becoming the minority.
For example, having an open adoption initially feels like the more difficult choice. Although not all families have this option, we do. We will therefore make a point to displace ourselves physically and culturally to secure open communication with our son’s birth family. This impacts our son’s quality of life for the better.
Or, even though our city is diverse, we take extra steps to put ourselves in situations where our son will meet people from his ethnic background that he can look up to and emulate. This also is not easy at times.
While there is much to discuss in transracial adoption, these are the top two issues I am facing today. These days when I look at the view from the top of the high dive, my knees sometimes still knock, but I take great comfort in knowing that I don’t have to be a perfect dad, just continue to go on up there, take the risk, and jump.
By Stephanie Rosic
It’s the opposite of our unfailing romantic, mama told me so, Hollywood movie notion of life. The idea that love is not enough in anything will shake us a bit. I suppose it’s a cultural notion stemming from the ‘love conquers all’ delirium. Not that I don’t still hold fast to that notion at times – but I know that in some ways love just can’t conquer everything.
I first heard the words “love in not enough” from my social worker during an interview in the adoption process. To be honest I thought that she (now a dear and trusted mentor and friend) was a bit deceived, even jaded by the process. She referred us to this article, which she again recently reminded me of, as a great resource to this idea of love not being enough in transracial adoption. Basically it’s the idea that as a white parent of a multiethnic child there are some hurdles relating to race and ethnicity that I cannot simply love her through. And because of this, it may set her back in developing a healthy racial identity. It took me some time to digest what she was saying during that interview, but eventually I understood that in order for my child to gain a healthy and whole image of herself, love (how I understood it then), would not be enough.
As a white parent of a multiracial child it was and is my responsibility to connect her with peers and adults of color who can provide mentorship and affirmation for her journey in life. When she encounters difficult moments because of her ethnicity, instead of ‘loving’ her alone through these moments, I needed someone near and dear to help me love her by understanding more deeply the ways she would be hurt, or struggle. Her experience in life, because of her ethnicity, will be vastly different than my own. Looking back, because the idea was planted in me at the beginning of the adoption process, I had time to consider how our family would strive to offer our child these invaluable resources.
We committed ourselves to building a diverse friend network and to attend classes, social functions or a church where greater diversity was represented. This meant that just because something was convenient (close-by) didn’t mean it was best for our family.
When we moved recently we looked for an ethnically diverse neighborhood, a diverse school, a diverse church, and if we didn’t find it, we kept looking. In truth, it has become a family philosophy, and not just to serve our daughter alone, although it began that way. We are beneficiaries in a diverse community of friends and relationships. Those who look different, think different and have different experiences benefit our entire family. And while indispensible to my child’s understanding of herself, we have gained equally. My daughter has peers and adults who look like her and help her process questions and ideas of race and ethnicity; and I have friends to resource and process with as well. Yes, it took time to cultivate relationships, but the words ‘love is not enough’ were vital in motivating our family to seek out and be intentional for the sake of my daughter. And while I believe a handful of words changed my life forever, when I get right down to it, I wind up back where I started -love. Although today it’s a bigger, more mindful, intentional love.
By Stephanie Rosic
School projects for a Blended family are sometimes so very interesting. An example is the old grade school standby ‘The Family Tree.’ I have recently realized that that ‘tree’ will most likely be staring me down soon and I needed to find some creative school solutions that reflect my oldest child’s heritage in a way that is easy to digest for 8 and 9 year olds. I saw a lot of ideas and interesting things, but then I stumbled upon Leaves of Love.
Leaves of Love is actually a fundraiser for families who are adopting either domestically or internationally. Its a creative way to bring your friends and family into the process of adoption while doubling as a piece of art for your home, always displaying those involved in welcoming your child. But I thought the tree depiction, with its roots, was a great family tree that could reflect both my daughter’s biological roots, if you will, and her forever family growing from there. Its a great depiction of the wholeness of her life and an easy way, I think, for kids her age to understand her heritage through adoption.
So, check them out – it may work as a solution for your Blended family as well!
By Stephanie Rosic
The end of summer took me by surprise as being the busiest time I can remember. We had family commitments, vacations to take (albeit that was lovely, except the packing and unpacking), out of town visitors, school shopping and of course the pre-school meltdowns. Mixed in with the chaos were a few moments that were so funny and/or heartwarming I decided to share them with you.
The first is a new game my kids discovered – or maybe your kids are already playing it too? When I first stumbled upon their behemoth tent like maze in the playroom laid out with blankets, chairs, and pillows, I didn’t understand what they were doing. They had collected all their books about Korea and Korean life and were studying them within the maze. One of the girls would leave and come back dressed in her Hanbok and promptly begin to cook Bibimbap or Bulgogi, because as they would say, “Kids simply love it.” As I watched, they sent my son to the grocery store for an egg or more garlic, and while he was ‘out’ they set out the plates quickly and dined upon whatever Korean treat they had whipped up in their pink and blue kitchenette. After awhile, amused, I asked them what they were doing and they replied, “We’re camping in Korea.” Well, of course. They were so nonchalant in answering, as if all their friends were already playing ‘camping in Korea’ and I was so behind the times.
The second was a sweet moment. My middle daughter went to preschool for the first time this year. She was ecstatic about going but hesitant in that strange swirl of little girl, big girl emotions. She was a bundle of nerves on the first morning as we entered the classroom. She hung back by me and observed the kids who had already arrived for the day. Not clingy per se, just cautious as she watched the door. I was watching her closely and not paying attention to the new arrivals, when all of a sudden I saw her face and shoulders physically relax. She smiled and took a step away from me and as I turned I realized that an African-American girl had arrived and had eased my daughter’s nerves. I quickly understood it as someone who reminded her of her sister – a familiarity – and it gave her immediate reassurance. It is no surprise to me that these girls are now fast friends.
While these moments are unique to my Blended family, I’m sure your Blended family has similar stories. Leave a comment with your uniquely funny or heartwarming Blended story.
By Stephanie Rosic
Blended is honored to be included as an adoption resource over at Celebrate Adoption! Started in 1989, Celebrate Adoption is a network of families touched by adoption. Thanks for including us in your stellar reading list.
